Panic! or I Hate Speech Class

Wow, it's been awhile since I've updated this one.

Well, it's finals week and there is just something on my mind tonight...and it has been on my mind ever since Monday.
First of all, to my speech professor: I am not an actor...please, please, please don't expect my monologue to be any good...considering you know...this is an English department class.
Second of all, to all and any actors, or anyone for that matter reading this...how do you do it?
I have a hard time coming to terms with working on things that don't really have a tangible final product, which makes working on this monologue assignment make me feel like I'm just screwing around when I could be doing actual work (aka my giant drafting package that's due Wed.) instead of standing in front of a mirror, trying to memorize a 5 minute monologue that I'm probably going to bomb because 1) it's been 3 years since I was forced to take an acting class and 2) I wasn't any good at it to begin with and passed said acting class with a C.
Acting class usually made me want to cry...or throw up....or both. So did my oral communications class in high school and this oral communications class 5 years later is no different, but just appears to be the high school class and acting class combined into one 3 hour hell once a week.

So please forgive me if I have a hard time working on this because I won't have a final anything really to turn in or put in my portfolio, and I'm just going to recite this on Monday morning to get it over with and never (hopefully and with any luck) have to do it again. But I will say this...to all actors: I respect you and what you do. Because I certainly can't do it without feeling like I'm going to panic.

Believe me, please. I've been trying to overcome this whole "stage fright" thing for years and it just doesn't go away no matter how my presentations I give, or speeches I give, or monologues I perform. I think I'm pretty much doomed to shake uncontrollably during any presentations, interviews, etc..for the rest of time.

Tangents

I've started a stream-of-consciousness journal. It's rambling, random, and weird stories come out of it, but it's a lot of fun.

Fair warning: Future posts may contain excerpts of this randomness in my head.

Three Steps #2

This one is submitted by Mr. Kyle Hoskins. Feel free to submit your own 3 steps!

Three Steps To Joy
1. Buy scotch
2. Drink scotch
3. smoke your cigarette with Miles Davis in the background and a good friend at your side.

3 Steps to Joy #1

1. Buy wine
2. Drink wine
3. Watch Stargate

"Thank you for holding, your call is important to us."

This is an abridged list of things that I did while I was on hold with AT&T.

1. Had a snack.
2. Read 5 chapters in my current book.
3. Watched an episode of The Simpsons.
4. Rearranged my pantry.
5. Potty break.
6. Did dishes.

I still did not resolve my issue because I got annoyed and hung up after 1 hour 15 minutes of being on hold.



Coming Soon:
3 Easy Steps to Joy

Why Did I Come Here?

Having spent two GLORIOUS nights in Chicago I am now back to finish up work in Rockford. But alas, work does not happen on Saturday and Sunday and therefore I am bored out of my mind. I had previous plans that I came back early for, but they fell through unfortunately.

So here I am, home a day early and now without something to do.





Later:

Not to be a downer, and I may delete this later because I'm crabby, but this has been the worst Saturday night all summer.

And back again..

Tomorrow I will be moving into my new sweet apartment.

I hope I don't have too much crap. I want to get it all in one fell swoop and just be done with it.

I should be finishing up packing right now, but instead here I am procrastinating as usual.

AT&T called me today and said that something was wrong with their phone lines and therefore I won't have internet for awhile...well,crap. But otherwise things should be great! Josh is meeting me at the apt tomorrow to help and then after I get mostly everything situated we are going out for a few drinks and some food as payment for helping me move.

I am very excited to have my own space again. To be able to come home and have everything in it's place and whatnot. No more searching for stolen items/recon missions into my sisters bedroom(a scary,scary place)

Pictures may be posted as soon as Monday or as late as never!

Wish me luck!

music.

Current Listening: Night Minds-Missy Higgins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbyBZR8chBE

No reason in particular, it just came up on my Pandora and I loved it instantly.

Megan is...

This is how the last half hour or so of my life went in my head....in facebook status updates.

Megan is driving home.
Megan is pissed that one of her sister's friends is parked in the driveway.
Megan is pissed that her sister moved/used/did something to her toothbrush.
Megan is driving to Wal-Mart to buy a new toothbrush.
Megan wants to move back to Chicago NOW.
Megan found chip bag clips for a dollar.
Megan is driving home.
Megan is giving up on her.


I really don't want to give up.
But what else can I do?

Thinking...again.

When I was in high school they told me that I had a bright future. When I went to college, they told me I had a bright future. Now, with one year left until I graduate college, I'm beginning to think my future is not as bright as they thought.

I see my future being difficult, work, painful even.

I just want to be happy.

I feel like I'm having this weird inner battle about what exactly makes me happy. What WILL make me happy in the future. (the future that is blurry and hard to make out)

-sigh- Summers aren't supposed to be this stressful.

Ever Evolving

For some reason, it always irritates the crap out of me when a music artist releases a new album and then I read all of the reviews about how it doesn't sound like albums from the same artist before, how they are disappointed by that and how the artist should go back to the way they were in their older albums.

IT'S DIFFERENT! EVERYBODY FREAK OUT!!!
Oh,please.

Like they are not allowed musical growth and experimentation and must bend and mold to what the masses want them to be. I understand that that happens and it goes on or whatever, but I feel that music is a very personal and internal sort of thing and maybe these people want to share it with the world. I could be wrong though.

It bothers me every time.

If you don't like it, don't listen to it, and find something else that sounds like what you like. You don't have to be all hardcore about one artist and that's it. There are options.

Just keep in mind that they are human beings and try not to be so damn soulless.

The blessed chloroform of the mind.

I am the kind of girl who will sit up all hours of the night to read a book.

And no, I'm not reading Twilight. I'm reading Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. Before everybody goes and points out that it's not exactly "light summer reading", I know. But the summer is the only time when I actually have time to read and I'm not about to waste that precious precious time reading cheesy romance novels, crappy mystery thrillers, or young adult series. I can honestly destroy (and by destroy I mean finish) one of those in hours. So I figure that my time would be better spent on something with more substance, or a better story.

I love a good story.

Don't get me wrong......I'm all for those young adult books like Harry Potter and Twilight simply for the fact that it gets people to actually sit down and read. I love that people clog stores and stay up all hours of the night not only for video games and movies, but also for books. I've also read some of these books and found that they're not for me.

I guess everyone has their own preferences. I guess I'm a book snob.

A brief note on Amazon's Kindle. I find that it's a fantastic idea and great also for getting people to read, BUT once again not for me. I guess along with being a book snob, I'm also a little old fashioned in the fact that when I'm reading, I like to feel the pages between my fingers. Also, staring at a computer screen for too long is bad for your eyes, and one of my biggest fears is losing my eyesight.

And if you look at your reflection, is it all you want to be?

Some days I feel like I lose a little piece of myself while I'm at work. Except for a few random little conversations throughout the day and lunch hour, I bury my personality and delve into the mile high stack of loans that I need to work on.
Then I tell myself that this is only temporary, and that hopefully one day I will be able to have a job that I can love and that showcases my thoughts, ideas, emotions. You know, pretty much why I'm in school to be a lighting designer.

Every time somebody asks me why I've gone into what I did, I always say something to the effect of "It's a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun." And that's essentially what it is in a nutshell. But I used to try to explain the overwhelmingly huge amount of work and time that it takes, and why it is so rewarding at the end, and also how you have to say goodbye to it. Striking your show at the end is hard, and this job that I want so badly isn't for the faint of heart. I just sit back and tell myself that nothing lasts forever, and that while it lasted, it was wonderful, meaningful, beautiful. In that way, my work mirrors life.

Also you will always have the pictures from photocall to look back on in your portfolio.

Sadly I do not have a lot of photocall pictures from Millikin. The work I did there didn't exactly have an end product all of the time, and usually it was rushed because of the deadline, and I wasn't proud of it in the end. I had always just wished for more time.

I'm really looking forward to designing this coming semester at Columbia. After this semester, I will know for sure.

I'll know.

Treasure

Yesterday's garage sales were a success I think. I spent about $4 total.

I got a set of wine glasses. It was 20 cents for all four of them.


I got drafting lead. All 5 little cases for a dollar. Those things are super expensive in the stores so I was so excited that I found some at a garage sale.



I found a paper towel spool thingy that I wanted for the kitchen in the new apartment (btw I got it and the lease is being mailed to me so I can read and sign it.)


And finally, and probably my most favorite find of the ENTIRE morning. Was this set of vintage mixing bowls. They were $1.50 for the set. They are like from the 50s or 60s or something like that and I think they're awesome. Christina can tell you how giddy I was after finding those.





After that was Sarah's graduation party. Lots of food. When it started winding down was when Kyle came over. He had borrowed his dad's Jeep Wrangler and took the top and doors off of it. So naturally we drove around in it.

Friday....couldn't come fast enough

Tomorrow Christina and I are going to garage sales in search of treasure.
The exciting prospects of tomorrow made today incredibly long.

I spent all day today staring at mortgage files...mortgages are boring.
Because I was so bored with mortgages made work today last forever...because work requires me to audit mortgage files.

After a face-meltingly boring day at work I came home to help prepare for my sister's graduation party tomorrow. The graduation ceremony is Sunday....it's going to be a busy weekend.

I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. I think I need some white noise. At the apartment in Chicago it was the Orange and Green lines that went by every 5 minutes, but here it's so weirdly quiet at night...and dark.

Mortgage starts to look like a weird word once you've written it a bunch of times.

Pictures tomorrow.
They're not of mortgages.

Random Thoughts

"Today the 700 Club is brought to you by Everett's Liquor Store"- my hysterical laughter ensues.

I miss having my own bathroom. I'm sure Sarah does too.

Work starts tomorrow, I need to find a way to get into the building because Mom and I no longer work at the same branch.

There are two pigeons/doves/birds of some sort that hang out on the back porch. I think they're dating.

It feels so good to read for enjoyment again rather than because I have a quiz on whatever it is I'm reading tomorrow.

Current Reading: I Am a Cat by Soseki Natsume

I went to a bonfire with Kyle last night and didn't really know anybody and consequently felt very awkward. Then we left to go play with the cats.

I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Home?

So I'm back in Belvidere after a move yesterday and spent all day today (save for an hour for lunch with my mom) unpacking, cleaning and running an errand at Wal-Mart. It was weird going to Wal-Mart. There isn't one in Chicago.
Now I'm just getting paperwork things and other financial stuff together for next year and the new apartment.
I start work at the bank next week. It should make me a little extra money.
I'm saving up for a Wii, although I'm not sure that's such a good idea with school and such. Another procrastination enabler.

Apartment Search 2.0....over?

So I think I've decided to end my apartment search and go with the one I looked at yesterday. It was small and just barely in my price range, but I'm already just tired of looking. I've been looking since March and all the places I found online were out of my price range or really crappy. I finally let a friend talk me into looking at the place she lives and at least seeing how much it would cost.

The answer is just barely too much. But I'm taking it anyway because it's beautiful and has everything I need. A bathroom, a kitchen (the kitchen is gorgeous) and most importantly a washer and dryer in the unit. It's small, but I don't need anything big. And when the lease is up for that place I am definitely going to move somewhere cheaper, I just need someplace nice with a washer and dryer and it needs to be close to school for one more year. There are, however, perks to moving to this place. One of them is that it is a "green" building meaning that it's partially constructed from recycled materials as well as the furniture in the lounges and on the sky deck, it has a "green roof" which basically means they've planted things on the roof to reduce the temperature of the city and effects of the urban heat island and also to reduce the heating and cooling loads on the building. There is a recycling room separate from the garbage chute and there is free Starbucks in the internet lounge on the 1st floor. The keychain discount program, the huge TV on the 24th floor in the resident lounge, guest parking, various soda machines in the building, package receiving, 24 hour doorman, the fact that I have a friend living there already and proximity to everything I could ever need (Target is next door, Jewel, Whole Foods and Dominick's are all in the area as well as the Red, Orange and Green Line stops) kind of pushed my decision forward.

The Living/Bedroom/Everything Room- the door doesn't open, the HVAC system for the unit is in it. The window opens into a Romeo and Juliet Balcony

The Kitchen-the washer and dryer are in the closet to the left.

I guess this is what I get for going to a school in an expensive neighborhood. But when I look back, I just don't think I'd be happy at Loyola even though rent in Roger's Park is cheaper.

So I have a place to live next year. Now the only thing left is to try and figure out how I'm going to pay off all these loans when I graduate.

Scary.

Apartment Search 2.0

I have an appointment to look at a nice apartment on Clark St. today....it is however raining and gross outside and I just hope that my hair decides to behave and stay in place rather than making giant frizz afro like it sometimes does when there is a considerable amount of moisture in the air.

If I decide to go with this apartment today (I'm leaning towards it) I will post some pictures after I email them to my mom. Living will be considerably more expensive without roommates and because I've been spoiled and want a washer and dryer in my unit. I figure not running the risk of having my clothes stolen from the laundry room pays for itself in the long run in not having to go buy new clothes because yours keep getting stolen. (I've "lost" a few items at Millikin...and by lost I mean they were stolen out of the dryer.)

I was reminded yesterday of just how much debt I'm going to be in by the time I graduate and I just hope to God I can find a good paying job so I can whittle away at my giant loan. On the bright side, after I graduate I can either move up to the North Side where living is cheaper or move to Minneapolis...also cheaper living.

School is just so damn expensive, I really hope it's worth it in the end.

Summer Projects

So because I am moving yet again to a new apartment, but this time by myself, I have discovered that I need some furniture. Namely a couch and a coffee table. One of my good friends just kind of gave me her futon that she no longer wanted so I guess that could count as a couch. But I also wanted a desk and a coffee table. My Dad solved the desk problem this morning by saying I could borrow my Grandmother's old roll top desk that has been in our family for years and years. My dad proposed that we build the rest of the furniture that I wanted. I agreed, because he has so much experience and knowledge with furniture building and I could learn a lot with him. He said that I would have to design and then draft the plans for the furniture and he would help with the actual building part of the project. This way I can practice my drafting over the summer and in the process create something that I will have and use for quite a while.

I'm very excited about these projects.

Along with the coffee table I am going to be building a matching TV stand.

So yesterday I went to Target because my printer ran out of color ink, and it is finals week and I need to make my art history flashcards to study from. While I was there I naturally looked at the furniture section to get ideas for what I kind of wanted to design, when I came across a wicker trunk that I really liked. I checked the price and it was $80. It looked something like this:
So I called my Dad again asking him to keep his eyes open on Craigslist or whatever for one that was similar. He just said that we could build a Hope Chest instead along with my proposed coffee table and TV stand. I liked the idea.
A Hope Chest is supposed to be a wooden chest or trunk that unmarried women collects household items in like bed linens and kitchen things in anticipation to marriage. Now this is a good idea, albeit a little old fashioned. I think it would be good to modify such a great idea to cater to college students and young women and men who are getting ready to move out of their parent's house and get out on their own. Marriage not necessary.
Thinking back to it,the three plus months between my last day at Millikin and my move in date in Chicago I had made a sort of hope chest out of a plastic storage tub in my basement. I slowly accumulated the things that I needed to move to Chicago and kept them in that plastic storage tub. And that is the basic theory behind the hope chest, is to collect items to prepare for life on your own. Since I'm pretty much moved out of my parents house and pretty much on my own already, I don't really feel the need for a hope chest in it's traditional sense. Also traditionally it held the wedding dress and things for the wedding day as well....I don't plan on folding my wedding dress into a trunk....I also don't plan on buying my wedding dress before I'm engaged or anything.
I just want a nice trunk to hold my extra sheets and blankets.

So I'm building myself a trunk, while the idea of the hope chest is fantastic and I love it, I don't really need one.

If I ever have kids, they will most definitely get one when they start high school to collect things to prepare themselves for moving out to college or out of the house in general.

I love furniture.

What I've Learned This Year

As the school year nears its end I've been looking back at all of the things I've learned since moving to Chicago and switching schools. And I've compiled a short list of not only things learned in class but also practical things pertaining to city life and life in general.

1. You never know how much you want an umbrella until it rains in the windy city, and even if you have an umbrella, it's so windy you usually want waterproofed clothes.

2. Star Wars came out in 1977.

3. I need space.

4. Never underestimate the number of people you can fit in an elevator.

5. A good pair of snow boots is essential.

6. Stylish coats never keep you warm when the wind blows off the lake...or during Chicago winters at all.

7. Cable TV can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

8. "The train/bus was slow/broken/had construction" is a valid excuse for being late.

9. Being late is forgiven if you bring donuts.

10. It is generally not a good idea to order pizza during class.

11. When bad/stupid/weird things happen, think of what a great story it will make later.

12. Never host parties.

13. Things always take longer than you plan.

14. The gel frame slides into the barn door....unless the barn door/gel frame is bent, which is about 50% of the time.

15. Wine glasses with water and food coloring make interesting filters.

16. I don't like risotto.

17. After the fun part of the design is over, you still have the light plot to do.

18. Papers are less stressful if you get them done well ahead the due date.

19. The library is your friend.

20. While the toaster oven makes things crispier, the microwave is faster.

21. If the Red Line runs elevated, leave a lot of extra time to get somewhere.

22. Hard work actually does pay off.

23. I have a hard time determining if Portillo's or Beef-A-Roo is better.

24. Christmas shopping CAN happen in one day.

25. If taking a Metra train over a holiday weekend, ALWAYS arrive early to ensure a seat on the train. There is nothing worse than standing for an hour or so waiting for an empty seat, especially if you're riding to the end of the line. (Harvard)

26. Leave early to make sure you catch the train.

27. Cars are not always necessary.

28. No matter how cliche or annoying your mother's nagging can get, she's probably right.

29. I reserve the right to change my mind.

30. When your boss says you can take something, don't.

31. Always carry a book or headphones with you on public transit if you are alone to deter people from talking to you and by people, I mean hobos.

32. If you are having a stressful, busy, hectic day, taking 10-15 minutes to just do absolutely nothing is refreshing and helpful.




That's all I can really think of so far, I'll add to it if something else comes to mind.

School N' Things

So today I went to Artropolis at the Merchandise Mart. There were a lot of really great things going on there, some really beautiful and expressive works. I'm very glad that I got the free tickets from my professor because I know that I wouldn't have gone if he hadn't given them to me and I would have missed out on seeing a lot of new things. If you've never gone to this before I highly recommend it if you're into art. Go with an open mind.

After the art show I read a Cosmopolitan magazine and drank a pink lemonade and snacked on pecans. Played a little Nintendo, talked to Maggie on Facebook and then cracked down on my light plot.
The light plot's due date kept getting pushed back, so I'm still not feeling the stress about it. I finished my Styles and Crafts (theatre history) paper yesterday (almost 5 days early) which is awesome so I no longer have to worry about that AND I can return the books to the library. I'm just glad that the light plot will be done when I have to study for finals. I'm not too worried about them. The only thing that will really stress me will probably be the light plot project. OH and the random final 3 page paper for Middle Eastern History.
I hope I can swing that one, I hate when people ask a question that can be answered in two sentences and demand an essay. Those are ALWAYS my worst-written papers, because I shove so much filler in between.

Artropolis

Here is a heartwarming (?) story about how hard work can pay off in the end.
So at the beginning of this semester I decided that for this semester of Art History II, I would work harder on things than I did with Art History I. My professor for Art History I wasn't all that great and I had a hard time learning from her, but this semester my Art History II professor is awesome. So I decided to work hard for this class.

Today after class a small group of us got called up to talk to him after class was over. I was informed that I have the highest score out of a class of like 30-some people.

This weekend here in Chicago is Artropolis.....which is basically three art shows held at the Merchandise Mart. Emerging artists, established artists and an antique show are all there and you can see all of them with your ticket.

I got a free ticket to this for having the highest score.

Woot!

Escape Routes

I know I went to the Art Institute last week....but I think I'm going to need to go again....soon.
It's such a great place to be alone with your thoughts and see works by artists who shared similar feelings. It makes you feel not so alone in this universe. After taking two semesters of Art History this year, I've gained an immense appreciation for art that I have never before had. Something just clicked in me this year and I find that the concepts, emotions, messages in the works popping out clearly now when before I had trouble seeing them. I think it was there all along, but I just needed a push in the right direction.

What I am Not Doing Right Now

I am not writing my final paper for Styles and Crafts.
I am not working on my light plot.
I am not doing my readings for Art History.
I am not on the phone.
I am not playing Nintendo.
I am not watching TV.
I am not eating.
I am not sleeping.
I am not listening to music.
I am not on Facebook.
I am not texting.
I am not reading a book of any kind.
I am not outside.
I am not doing anything really.
.....except for this.....
I have to say that today after the Art Museum and reading for Meteorology and working on my final paper for an hour....apathy has overtaken me.

I SHOULD work on all those assignments.
But it's probably not going to happen until tomorrow, or at least until I get motivated.
Today motivation escaped me.
I don't feel like doing anything....just laying here.

Maybe I'll....

Sorry for not posting in so long.
Not like anyone really reads this anyways.

But, I am having a crisis of sorts.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life....
I have one year of school left (it's official, we figured it out and if all goes well I will graduate on time)
But the gist is that I went to school for what I loved and wanted to know more about....and now I'm feeling like I might no longer have a future....that I just might end up working at the bank forever...because the unfortunate truth is that unless I catch a lucky break, my field does not pay much...at all.

I was offered a job in my field for this summer that I had to decline due to the low pay and the fact that I need more money than that if I'm going to pay rent next year.
So I go back to the bank.

Maybe it's too early for me to be freaking out....maybe I'm freaking out about nothing.

At least there is career counseling here unlike at my former school, so maybe I have some chance.

I just don't know.

And that's what bothers me the most.